Thursday, June 9, 2011

Single at 30...

I am not writing this post because I want people to feel sorry for me...I am going to write this post because it is something I think about alot. I am writing this because I want to describe what I feel so that I can breath and move on. I am writing this in hopes that other people feel this same way, or at least a little bit like me because then I am not really that alone in this...

I usually stay very positive in my life despite what life throws at me...at least i try REALLY hard to be. But sometimes I have my days and today is one of them, days where things seem to move in slow motion...days where I start to really think and focus on things in my life I normally push to the side. I am never sure what sparks these days, but i think most people have them and so today is my day to think extra hard about my life...and with that comes the ever weighting fact that I am 30 and single.

I would like to tell you how it feels to be 30 and single: I can only speak for myself and the life and path that I have been on...Most days I wake up, go for a jog downtown and really try to focus on myself...listen to music and think about my day, my work, what i am going to do for the weekend, what I am going to make for myself for dinner..you know all the normal day to day things a single person might think about. Most days I go through my life and try to remember all of the words and sayings I study to remain positive. I love the freedom of being single; if i want to go to a movie 5 minutes before it starts,I can. If i want to make pancakes for dinner, i dont have anyone to please but myself. if i want to drive home to visit my parents, or take a jog late at night, or go to bed hours earlier than normal...I can because it is just me. Most of the time I enjoy having this freedom. But, and there is always a but...there are many days and moments when i am smacked in the face with the life I thought i would be living at 30.

It is the moments when I ask my friend to meet me for a drink but she has to find a babysitter and see what her husband is doing first...she has more people than just herself to worry about. It is the times when I want to go to the park and watch a band and there is no one to go with me. It is the times when I am running a half marathon and catch a glimpse of a women that is about my age about to finish the race of her life and then I see her VERY proud husband and daughter on his shoulders cheering soooo loud for the women they couldnt make it without. It is the times when I actually make it to church on Sunday and see the young couple quitely holding hands and praying and then realize when they turn around to offer me a gesture of peace that the wife is pregnant and radiating with happiness as is her husband. It's the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve when I have no one to kiss, it is the moment at the pool when someone see's me casually reading a book and they comment as they are trying to catch their adorable kids while jumping in to the pool "i remember when I could lay around the pool and read...enjoy it while you can"

I do enjoy it...I enjoy all of the moments I get by myself, and I know this sounds alot like a pity party for me...but when you watch people living the life you always dreamed for yourself it gets hard. To be 30 and single you start to wonder if you will ever find the "right" person. You go to bars and start realizing you are the oldest person at the bar...you notice most people have wedding rings on...you start hearing your biological clock ticking VERY loud. Single at 30...you look at your friends and try and retrace their footsteps...how did they end up with a wonderful husband and a super cute kid. Of course, you are happy for these people...I would never change any of their lives to improve mine...but you wonder what you did wrong. If you have parents like mine, you think about where they were at your age...married with several kids and a life, a family. Then you think about yourself again and suddenly you would love to not be able to go to that movie last minute. You would love to have to worry about someone other than yourself when deciding what to cook for dinner. You would love to stay up late because your child wants one more story read to them.

I want more...I know you have to love yourself before you can love another person. I know that, and I have made that mistake...you can't look to a relationship to bring you happiness, you need to find it within yourself. Well I have..I have had plenty of time to really examine myself, really find what makes ME happy. I want more! I want more! I want more! That terrifies and excites me all at the same time. Putting myself out there at 30 is terrifying because what if the next time fails too...then I could be 35 and single...then what?

I guess i have learned life will go on...I can make it as a single person. There are things I enjoy so much about being single, but when it comes right down to it i love my family...all of them, and I cannot imagine my life without a family of my own. So then i come full circle...remain positive, stay positive, it will happen when it happens. It's just, i want it to happen now...

Anyone else with me?

3 comments:

  1. It will happen, Abby! Reading this reminded me so much of my friend Pam. She felt the same way. She remarried at 36 and had a perfect beautiful baby at 37. She couldn't be happier. I also think she enjoys and appreciates her life and baby more than most younger moms. It will happen and when it does you be a fantastic mother and wife! :)

    Lisa

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  2. once again you bring tears to my eyes.
    If anyone deserves to be happy, it's YOU! And it WILL happen. Be patient...what a sweet surprise when it comes along.
    Love you and so very proud of you

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  3. Thanks Abby,
    There are so many times I think man, I wish I could be like that and just do what I want, when I want. However reading this post made me realize how lucky I am to have what I have. You may be single and 30, but you have so much experience that will make the next chapter of your life that much more special and succesful. You are able to learn from the past. You are ready and so many times people aren't ready when they start relationships and families. They are just going through the motions and not able to enjoy it. This is what is going to be a big difference with you when you find the right one. You are ready. You've had time to find yourself so when the time comes you can focus everything on them. Hang in there. It WILL happen. Like many say, they weren't looking when it did and those are the best ones.

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